Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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