so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
