Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
