Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
