Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize