I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
