she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
