Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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