I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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