I'm gonna have a badass scar
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just want nice things and good sex
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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