Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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