Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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