After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
