I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
where are my eyebrows?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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