My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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