I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
