Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
