you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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