why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
