whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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