they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I queefed so loud it echoed.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
