i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
