My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
