this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
