You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
