I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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