Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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