ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
