you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it because I queefed?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We're too hungover to prance.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
