this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
