Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
