Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This gyro tastes like lonliness
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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