The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You're a waste of cheezeits
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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