I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
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