I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
