Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
