so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
40s are totally the cure
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
