I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
