my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
