god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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