I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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