but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
