Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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