I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
