Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
