I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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