I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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