I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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