I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
