The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize