What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
