There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
