not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just puked most of my soul out..
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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