Having a random hookup so left but love u
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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