I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
