You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
