Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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