Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I puked a lego.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
