For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
This is the high leading the old right now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
