I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
