I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There r osticjed everywhere
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
