I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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