Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm getting married
To pizza
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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