Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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