i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
